I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
That’s probably the most accurate description of where I am right now.
Am I supposed to give in to the sadness?
Am I supposed to feel guilty because sometimes I laugh?
Is it too soon to sometimes forget?
Is it too much to focus on every damn detail?
Is it dumb to wonder if she’s ok?
Did I do the right things that morning?
Did I choose the wrong funeral home? Because they didn’t do a good job.
Do I bury myself in the to-do list that somehow keeps getting longer? Or do I purposely let everything wait?
And wait for what?
How long am I allowed to let it wait?
Am I staying away from people because I need to be alone or because I’m using this as an excuse not to deal with them?
How do I honor my momma?
Would she understand if I don’t spend enough time grieving her?
I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
The last two months have been planning, deciding, organizing, coordinating, fixing, traveling, answering questions, making arrangements and handling shit.
Everything except grieving my momma.
And now all the regular stuff I put on hold is still sitting there waiting for me.
Except I feel like I haven’t given her any attention yet.
Which doesn’t even make sense.
She’s gone.
What does “giving her attention” even mean now?
I don’t know. I just don’t know.